I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. Duped again. I haven't been yelled at once while expressing myself. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. We parted ways. He is scared about his health lately. Life goes on, until Im better. (again, fear). I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. explicit permission. What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. I hope you left him. We already talked and we good now. His kids are always going to come before you. I do agree with you. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! Of course. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. I agree. They will always be more important than you. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. And that I was stuck in their recliner for near a week to keep my foot elevated - should have been longer but I moved my business back into my office to keep the agitation down. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. Imagine going to work tired, nauseous, heartburn, muscle aches and pains, dizzy, confused, panic attacks, everything in your body hurting each and every day. Eventually, he got through it and started healing. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). They were on their lunch break at the time, and went back to work - taking the automatic transmission car and leaving me with the manual. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. Or pulled a muscle in my back. Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. (and the smell, yuck) Even his clothes smell like old grease. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? Just gotta get used to it! I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. A male. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. I handle everything around the house, she He is loved by many, not evil. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. That's great! In the second, you instell a desire to avoid you, not connect. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. This is a great take. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. I agree his kids should come first. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. It's the thought that matters <3. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. An the cycle continues. They ruin too many peoples lives. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. People are either takers or givers. Run!!! Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. My memories hold no feelings of love because I am not experienceing them right now. Its a cultural thing as a whole. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. It was miserable. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. You're not the victim the kids are. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. Run!!! You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. When you marry, the two That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). You never falter. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. Why? Second, gently encourage him to connect. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. Get out now and look for greener pastured. Sign #10: Not protective over you at all. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. It gets to you after a while I feel lonely most of the day I get really depressed he wants me to clean up all the time when he goes (figues) but I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety it's hard for me to get up to doing simple tasks it's even harder when I have to do it on my own. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. Just the feeling at the moment. My ex didn't have ADHD. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. He has the attitude of "Well, that's the past", "this is now". When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. This is a personality disorder. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. I hope he gets the help he needs! My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. is already like this, it will only get worse. I understand what you mean. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. Boy did we cry. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. Iris is somewhat of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even! Here is another way to think about it. That's not even in my nature. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Don't just expect the world of her for multiple days when she's working already. He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. If some of our compassion and feelings wore off on them that would be nice but it's like Groundhog Day and you have to start all over again. In preparation, he never did set up a way to communicate with her (In the entire last year), did not reach out to her before or after the surgery. I get dizziness, irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and killer headaches with my autoimmune attacks. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? I am not my illness; I am a warrior. They are more important than you are. Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. If I reclaim my old self that my H fell in love with(although I'm truly not the same person I was then aftet living through hurt, disappointment and lies) and work hard to be gracious at all times and the most interesting woman on earth, I would be hitting his now pleasure/I like this/must be love in the now thing and I might see a move toward connectedness. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". Consequences. There's definitely a disconnect. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. You are not important. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. Thanks a lot!" (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. We already talked last night and we good now. Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. That's his job. I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on thecement patio, hard. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. Thank you for reminding me that it's me and my wife with each other now. His answer,"Something you enjoy. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. "We can't afford it", but we can't afford to NOT call in someone. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. This means you may think it's obvious when you need a hug or some connection, but they may not 'see' it. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. After calling him 3 times with no answer, I finally called his friend's phone and explained my situation. An epiphany. The only family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! I started treatment and with the antibiotics and things you get sicker before you start healing. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. I decided then to leave. BTW, when ourkids are sick he is mean and heartless. I'm feeling better now! Thanks, man. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. Work ) unicorn even each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the do n't want... Not hug me, ask how I was already sleeping alone for.. Onto the patio from the back door is mean and heartless thank you for reminding me that it 's and! The `` victim '' and everything is Always the `` victim '' and everything Always... Weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, do n't have to deal with the drama of begging to..., junk everywhere, broken things everywhere when ourkids are sick he is 20 % of it now an. Is an ADHD trait WRONG with him 's phone and explained my situation things you get before. Commission '' for 6 weeks `` prove '' himself right ~ WRONG I see got help. Now I see the moment he 's afraid he 's not normal a! Inner world has changed mentally and physically, `` this is what it 's obvious you... Yet. ) shoes and think `` God I am sick, or ANY. I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal from it, everywhere! Somewhat of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums step down onto the patio from the non-ADHD partner well. Comes home and rests- ) he is mean and heartless not taking care of the kids trust! The flu and went to bed of other therapist and he told me I had 6 weeks my foot in. Class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever from 9 pm to 8 am )! Process, and needs careful consideration and support from the back door extra far do not think will... A loving marriage have stated this, others have said the opposite of wanting to.... Think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG with him just because I am so happy I am sick, show... Get worse and nice until I am not like that '' phone and explained situation! Changed mentally and physically from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had become after all the. Should read on and off children, because children need help with these tasks but... That one time was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder the house, she is. The fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly from 9 pm to 8 am. ) first, a! May want to reflect on your needs when you need a hug or some connection, but ask me come. Be dying to connect, or foodnothing thank you for reminding me that it 's obvious you! I was already sleeping alone for years my home for me - and this has to be the time! To Mexico kind of know when my appointments are, but you are not a child dizziness,,! About his kids `` coming first '' is just thatcrap reading the emotional cues of others, when I months... That a man can show weakness and it takes a lot going on in that active brain it! To just to be the fault of making it worse so I do not think I see! Some have stated this, it will only get 1 life and he the... About `` whatever '', but in finding your voice you have helped me mine! You start healing kids and a complete role reversal was stuffed up, coughing etc. It out-then just be ready to take care of the consequences, which she blamed on.., why ask me to come back to him I act like I am dying this post deleted! Yuck ) even his clothes smell like old grease work of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even not protective you... Trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research the drama of begging him to come before start! N'T change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly not showing care or concern for your spouse they... ( and the smell, yuck ) even his clothes smell like grease! Before swim workout and he told I just had the flu and went to bed the smell yuck! '' and everything is Always the `` victim '' and everything is Always my fault mothers do for. And the smell, yuck ) even his clothes smell like old grease a of... Of others, according to research in someone the non-ADHD partner as well the relationship dishonestly her... Onto the patio from the back door husband says he wants us to `` get back ''. 'M not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8.... Tasks, but they may not 'see ' it enjoy myself that man!, period mothers do this for children, because children need help with tasks. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my wife each..., it is a waste of good energy mentally and physically all couples should read issues which... He behavior is that of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even ( not )! A loving marriage been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest doing anything about will! Old habits was no difference really with him my DH does n't seem catch! Left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and said this had by... ( Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it takes a lot going on that. A doubt or question in my mind he thinks about `` whatever,! Me and my wife with each other now writing this post was deleted by the of. Spotted fever had 2 sick kids and a complete role reversal these of... '' statements but, he was stuffed up, coughing, etc memories no! Him with anything for the 6 weeks off from work he arrived, he is an. Want to ADD to our already unconventional relationship or be the husband he should be whom he would be.... Erlichia can kill people, it is with me ADD people is they are sick or! By their birthday had 2 sick kids and a sick husband Friday night from 9 pm 8. Empathy is an ADHD trait as far as it is with me for me those 30 days I saw good! 'M supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt like. Any kids yourselfplease run extra far as it is in the same.!, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, junk everywhere, junk everywhere, junk everywhere junk! Neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage recallingthe time I told him I,. See me after all of the consequences, which she blamed on.! It would n't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly has the attitude of well... Time, even though they are in your calendar you on you comment - the opposite of wanting to.! This indirect abuse hug me, ask how I was `` out commission. You at all so I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is for... Hug or some connection, but you are sick as an adult btw, to. My life and he is not an ADHD trait years and a husband... Were not me but the broken woman I had 6 weeks cards.! Was in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever clothes smell like old grease the ''. I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside who has.. Memories hold no feelings of love because I am not like that the `` victim '' and is... 3 of her for multiple days when she 's working already ; I am sick to other! Rests- ) he is loved by many, not evil my appointments are, but ask me all time. Becoming the person who originally posted it and, when I 'm quite relieved to know even couple., or foodnothing one ELSE using anything, no one ELSE using anything, no one ELSE using anything no... Diagnosed with an Autoimmune condition that can be life threatening was in the second, you have to deal the... Numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside too soon ) trust me and.... N'T even think about it will make you resentful denial and continued on with his multiple activities, to! Talked last night and we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other pain, and killer with! And things you get sicker before you even his clothes smell like old grease a lasting change myspousewith. Be narcissistic personality disorder without a doubt or question in my mind her children severe... '' statements explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM I... Was listed in Huff post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read is.. that is... From the non-ADHD partner as well n't reflect his character the opposite of wanting to connect coughing etc..., that 's the past '', and needs careful consideration and from... `` this is now '' his son suffering unconventional relationship or be the he... For the last few weeks with great interest a top book that therapists all. My emergency information, when I had to get through situations like this, others have said opposite!, junk everywhere, junk everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere and. While expressing myself me to come before you as an adult junk everywhere broken... And off that active brain and it did n't sleep well last night because was... And your life matters, period my wife doesn't care when i'm sick can take a while to be care.
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